|it's been awhile..
||[Oct. 17th, 2004|07:53 pm]
wow, it's been quite some time since i've felt |
the desperation needed to write in this thing.
lately i've been swamped with papers, speeches,
and midterms- but i've also been having tons of
fun going out and stuff to balance it all out. I
dont know though, despite how much i've been
enjoying myself, basking in the dreams i thought
impossible turned reality, i have hit an all-time
low, self-esteem-wise. i just can't figure out what
my problem is. well, i know why. it's because
i'm just so fat these days. i dont know why though.
i mean, its not like i eat pizza all day and stuff my
face with dairy queen and mcdonald's everyday. And,
see, thats the thing, is i know people who do do that
and they dont gain any weight. i'm stuck in a time warp
where i still mentally see myself as the 100 pound
stick i was 2 years ago. so im constantly confused as
to why guys dont talk to me and look at me like they
used to. and then it hits me, "oh yeah- duh..you're
fat, why would anyone want to look at you?" it's such
a sad, pathetic process that i go though multiple
times a day. i've been on the damn low-carb diet for
so long, and really, even though i dont follow it
religiously (due to my drinking habits), i restrict so
many things when it comes to eating. i havent had pizza
or fast food in, i cant even remember when. and everyone
else eats that crap and doesnt gain a pound. my favorite
pasttime, shopping- its absolute torchure these days, to
actually have to walk around and look at barely there
shorts and cute little shirts, only imaging how gross i
would look in them (because Lord knows, i've made the
mistake one too many times of actually taking the time to
try things on). this idea or fear or OBSESSION absolutely
rules my life. i have no one to talk to about it. the only
person who even knows about it is lowell and all he ever
says is "you arent fat, you're beautiful, blah blah blah"..
and really, thats all i hear "blah blah blah", it goes in
one ear, out the other. until i look in the mirror and am
happy with myself, i will be unhappy. i just dont know how
to get there. i mean, unless i turn into a hermit, stop
drinking, and never go out, i'm going to be faced with beer
and alcohol which is the only thing i can think of thats
making me this fat. i need to go on a strict diet so i can
lose this and be happy again. i think im going to start
fasting again. i went grocery shopping today and bought a
bunch of low-calorie foods, but i just know that unless i
dont eat, i wont lose this weight fast enough. it sucks
though, because when i used to fast over summer, i remember
how bitchy and moody i was, and it just made me unhappy. but
i mean, nothing can be worse than being fat and nasty like i
am right now. my cheeks are bloated and chubby, my legs are
butch and stalky, my stomach has like 6 rolls now, my arms
have ripples on them , even my feet are looking fat. i just
disgust myself. and thats why i cant figure out why i dont
stop eating. i need some adderol or something, i dont know.
i'm desperate at this point.
desperate to be skinny.
desperate to be pretty.
desperate to be happy.